Cheaper by the Dozen My Ass
by YaoiPhox
Summary: Based on Cheaper by the Dozen. Kakuzu and Hidan got a little carried away with the Male Pregnancy Serum and now their children are disappearing!
1. Children Guide

Kids:

7 girls

5 sons

Isamu (Courage) – M – 25 ~ medium gray hair, green eyes

Chieko (Wise Child) – F – 19 ~ long brown hair, magenta eyes

Eiji (Eternity, second son) – M – 18 ~ slicked back brown hair w gray ends, magenta eyes

Gina (Silvery) – F – 16 ~ long silver hair, green eyes

Hiroki (Abundant strength/joy) – M – 15 ~ short brown hair, green eyes

Eiko (Long-lived or splendid) – F – 14 ~ long brown hair, magenta eyes

Haruko (Distance) – F – 13 ~ a mute, long pale brown hair, red eyes

Daiki & Daisuke (Great glory/noble/tree & Great helper) – Fraternal M – 12 ~ short brown hair, green eyes & short gray hair, magenta eyes

Daisuke

Hitomi (Pupil [reserved for those w/ pretty eyes]) – F – 8 ~ long brown hair, magenta eye/green eye

Moe & Momo (Budding & Peach) – Identical F – 5 ~ short gray hair, green eyes & long gray hair, green eyes

Momo

–


	2. Part One

"'Cheaper' by the Dozen" My Ass

_**KakuHida** MPreg FanFic based on Cheaper by the Dozen_

* * *

"Daddy! Daiki cut off Moe's head!" A little girl with long gray hair and green eyes cried, tugging on Hidan's pant leg.

"Why the fuck are you telling me, Momo? Get your fucking father." Hidan rolled his eyes.

He shook her loose then returned to the stove for making lunch. There were four big pots of pasta. On the counter behind him in the large kitchen, a girl with long brown hair and magenta eyes was chopping vegetables for a sauce. The girl named Momo ran past the nineteen year old, making her slip and cut her finger.

"... Hey daddy... I'll be right back." She informed Hidan calmly, snatching up the knife before whirling around, "Oh Mo~mo~ how would you like to join your sister?"

She ran off into the living room, past a fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen year old whom were entertaining an eight year old girl with mismatched eyes. Momo gave a scream when she looked back to find her sister chasing her with the knife and ran faster. She ran straight into a very organized office and hid behind Kakuzu's legs. He looked up from his papers on the desk just as a knife whizzed by his head.

"Chieko. Father is working and doesn't have time to play 'Mutilate Your Siblings' today." He picked Momo up by the back of her ragged shirt.

"Father! Daiki cut off Moe's head!" She cried.

"Again?" Kakuzu sighed while his daughter, Chieko returned to the kitchen, taking the knife with her.

Kakuzu shifted Momo so she was hanging over his shoulder, his hand supporting her. Momo pointed to the basement where the training room and torture supplies were for the immortal duo of the dangerous criminal organization known as the Akatsuki. Currently, little dolls were strewn around the floor, a kunai or throwing star sticking from their remains. By the guillotine stood two twelve year old boys, one looking like Hidan and the other, Kakuzu only their hair was the same, short length. They held a girl's body dressed similar to Momo. Only it was headless.

"Crap. Stupid Daiki! Stupid Daisuke!" a head exactly like Momo's, save the shorter length of the gray hair, sat in the basket, glaring at the twins with her green eyes.

"Daiki, Daisuke, put your sister's body down and go bug your daddy." Kakuzu growled, setting the five year old down so she could join her identical twin.

"Okay father." They sneered together and hooked their elbows before striding back upstairs.

"I hate them!" Moe pouted as her sister picked up her head.

"I know." Kakuzu answered them, pulling up his daughter's body and taking the head to sew it back on.

Once Moe had been stitched together the pair ran up the stairs with Kakuzu close behind. At the top of the stairs, the twin girls knocked over a skinny, pale girl with long, pale brown hair and red eyes. She sat on the floor after they had left for wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Kakuzu knelt down and brought her to her feet, roughly dusting her off.

"Watch yourself, Eik–er–Haruko." The girl gave a nod, wiping her irrateted red eyes once her father returned to his study.

–Explanation–

I'm sure you're all wondering... "What the fuck is going on?" I am Hidan of the Akatsuki, Kakuzu's partner and lover. This is our cave slash home. Orochimaru has always been after an immortal life, right? Well, the sick bastard caught me for just the purpose of stealing said immortality. Unfortunately, that bitch of his... Kabuto I think... messed up on giving me a sedative and instead gave me something that gave me the ability to get pregnant... apparently. This is a fact we, Kakuzu and I, didn't learn until nine months in when I was screaming my head off. If it wasn't for Konan's quick thinking, Isamu would have never left my body. He is our first born son and is now twenty five.

A few years later, that bastard Orochimaru returns. This time, _he _is the one that messes up and hello Chieko, first born daughter, currently nineteen. After this, Sasori thought it would be fun to get that serum. Greetings to Eiji, our second son, currently eighteen. Pain notices our children all have my immortality and requests Sasori give me the serum once a year. Kakuzu was fucking annoying with his "No! Too expensive! No, I don't want another brat!" Gina, girl, is born (now sixteen) and same thing, then there's Hiroki (he is now fifteen) and a year later, Eiko. After her Kakuzu drew the line and refused me sex.

This upset me but then I have Haruko out of the blue. Kakuzu continues along with Pain's plan just because he couldn't handle chastity. The fraternal twin boys, Daiki and Daisuke, made everyone pale. Tch, trying being the one having them. The plan stops but somehow, the serum doesn't wear off since it was used so much although it's no longer as efficient. Our third to last daughter is born, currently eight, and then Sasori finds an antidote just before we have our twin daughters, Moe and Momo (five).

Thank Jashin that horror is over... Kakuzu has come to terms with the fact that we now have twelve kids, a number already old enough to leave home, one of them already has. Oh how I miss my Isamu... he's living with his girlfriend. Some whore whose name I never bothered to learn. He was supposed to be stopping by after lunch...

–End Explanation–

"Mommy, I'm hungweeeeee!" Hitomi, a girl with with long brown hair, a green right eye, and a left magenta eye whined.

"I fuckin' told you I'm not 'Mommy'. I'm 'Daddy' and Kakuzu is 'Father'." Hidan growled, "And lunch will be fucking ready when it's ready, damnit."

She gave a pout then dug a kunai into his leg. He yelped in surprise but she had run off before he could scold her. He returned to the stove, grumbling under his breath about ungrateful brats. When lunch was finally done, Hidan turned off the stove and yanked the blade from his leg, throwing it in the sink with the others. Chieko snickered but helped him fill thirteen bowls with the pasta. Eiji finished helping Gina, the only kid with silver hair, set the table and the food was set on the table before the kids were called.

"Lunch is ready! Come and get it, fuckers!" Hidan and Eiji shouted.

Eiji was one of the many elder children to take on Hidan's language but he practically worshiped his dad. Kakuzu was another matter. Eiji was also the one with the most fashion sense and, unlike Hidan, very organized and neat. Hidan watched, beaming as his children filed in. Both set of twins came rushing in to fight over the seats closest to their favorite parent. Momo sat near Hidan's seat with Daisuke and Daiki ended up at the far end by Kakuzu's seat. Hitomi came next, sitting with her older siblings.

"Where's Haruko and your father?" He questioned the last child that came in.

"Who?" Eiko blinked, just as the thirteen year old arrived, quietly taking her seat.

"Father's workin'." Momo said rather loudly.

"Alright, fuckers, say grace to Jashin and I'll be back." Hidan scowled, heading for his partner's office. "Oi, bastard, open this fuckin' door now or no sex when we find the next chance."

"That chance is now. The door is open."

Hidan blushed but entered, wrapping his arms around Kakuzu's neck. He glanced over his shoulder for a brief moment then returned to his finance papers. Meanwhile, Hidan began to nuzzle his neck, nibbling and licking the skin from time to time. Finally, Kakuzu couldn't stand it and turned, locking their lips. In a flash they were standing and Kakuzu had pinned Hidan to a wall. Hidan moaned as Kakuzu took it a step farther and delved a hand down his uke's pants.

"Mn, K-Kuzu! W-Wait." Hidan panted, grabbing the miser's wrist.

"No." Kakuzu growled but started to attack his neck, letting his hand be removed.

"Whatchya doin to daddy, father?" Hitomi asked innocently, standing in the doorway.

"Nothing! Now tell me -ah!- what you w-ah-nt." Hidan panted when Kakuzu's other hand started to grope him.

"... Isa-kun is home." she answered, watching her father harass her dad in pure curiosity.

"Oh shit, I forgot about that." Hidan gasped, wiggling free from Kakuzu's teasing caresses.

"Damn kids..." Kakuzu grumbled, following them to the living room.

He had been denied treatment for about two days now and it was getting to him. In the living room stood a young man with messy gray hair that reached his chin and he had his father's eyes. He had stitches crossing his body and two masks on his back. He had only just recently learned the forbidden technique his father had stolen so he was unable to handle more. Isamu grinned, giving his dad a hug in greeting.

"Hope you don't mind my bringing Sakura home with me."

He stepped aside to reveal a timid girl standing behind him. She looked up to show deep blue, amazingly beautiful eyes. She had her long blonde hair pulled back in a low, curly ponytail and her bust was fairly large. She gave a small bow for Kakuzu and Hidan, eying the latter with interest.

"Nice to meet you. Isa-chan has told me so much about you two."

"Fuck..." Hidan gaped.

"Hey father, who's the blonde bitch?" Eiko had entered the living room, closely followed by the others.

"She doesn't look like Uncle Dei's bitchy brat." Hiroki added.

Sakura looked completely shocked and clung to Isamu. Isamu, on the other hand, was laughing hard. Hidan was beaming while Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Well, you guys came too late for any fucking food. These fuckers ate it all." Hidan laughed, scooping up Moe as she was attempting to decapitate Daiki.

"How long do you plan on staying?" Kakuzu rumbled, snatching Momo when she stabbed Daisuke.

"N-Not long." Sakura looked startled at the child's behavior.

"I wouldn't mind staying over night, dad." Isamu nudged his girlfriend.

"You know the rules, boys in one room..."

"Girls in another. I know, pops." Isamu laughed.

"Quit calling me pops. It makes me feel old." Kakuzu sighed, trying to get his daughter to stop pulling his hair.

"But you're over ninety..." Hidan and Eiji spoke up together again.

"... I'm sleeping with the kids tonight." Kakuzu growled, heading for the boys' room.

"Oh c'mon~ I was just joking, Kuzu-chan!" Hidan cried, following him.

The twins were set down outside their parents' room when Kakuzu dragged Hidan to the bed. They snickered and wobbled to their own room, knocking Haruko over on the way. Everyone else had decided to go to their rooms as well and introduce themselves to Sakura. She sat in the middle of the girls and the introductions started once Haruko joined the throng.

"My name is Chieko and I'm in charge since big bro left. I am the eldest girl at nineteen years. I can count extremely well but don't like money. However, wasting money is something I don't like either."

"I'm Gina, sixteen, and I like silver a lot. The only money I like is involved with silver. Daddy's Jashinist pendant is pretty which is why I like Jashinism. I like the silver weapons... especially when stained red." To say her expression terrified Sakura is an understatement.

"I'm Eiko, fourteen, and a Jashinist." Short, sweet, to the point.

"I'm Hitomi because daddy and father said I have the prettiest eyes. I have an eye on money and Jashinism. Oh, and I'm eight."

"I'm Momo." said Moe.

"I'm Moe." said Momo.

"We're five and identical twins. One of us likes money and the other, Jashin." They chimed together.

"What about her?" Sakura pointed at Haruko whom had remained quiet, reading a Jashinist bible with obvious boredom.

"Dunno. We've never seen her before." Hitomi giggled, earning a glare from the silent sister.

"She's dumb." Eiko snickered.

"That's not nice to call your sister dumb." Sakura said it so innocently and evoked more laughs from all the girls.

"No, no. She's a mute!" Chieko managed.

"Oh, you poor dear." Sakura gave her a piteous look.

"You think we should warn her Haruko doesn't like pity?" Moe whispered to her twin.

"No way! It'll be fun when she wakes up tomorrow." Momo whispered back.

–

The next morning, a scream echoed through the cave. Hidan groaned and scooted closer to Kakuzu, both still naked. Kakuzu smirked, knowing the unfamiliar scream was no doubt Sakura but he buried his face into Hidan's hair. Isamu sighed and sat up, watching the twins tumble off of him before standing. He headed for the girls' room with Eiji trailing behind. Sakura was still screaming, staring at her bed where Gina's head lay, her body on the floor nearby.

"I'll go ahead and take Sakura home now." Isamu sighed, picking up Sakura's body after she had fainted.

"I'll sew Gina's fuckin' head back on then." Eiji laughed, looking around the room for the sewing kit's hiding place.

He found it on the top shelf of the girls' second closet and brought it over to Gina's body. Hitomi was nice enough to toss her head to Eiji so he would not have to reach over. This resulted in Gina cursing them all out, especially Haruko. After a short while, Chieko took over and started neatly sewing her sister back together. Eiji took that time to look for Haruko whom had disappeared before anyone woke up. After a minute of searching he gave up and opened his fathers' door.

"Haruko's put a fucking head in bitch number three's bed." He informed, eyes looking anywhere but his naked parents.

"Go fucking look for her, Kuzu." Hidan grumbled, nudging the elder.

"You do it, she's your brat." Kakuzu growled back, shoving him out of bed and to the floor.

"Fuck you." Hidan mumbled to the floor then sat up, "Make breakfast then."

"Fine. They'll all get burnt strips of a bacon piece. Been awhile since I've made them fight to their not-so-deadly deaths." Kakuzu sat up as well now.

"Bastard." Hidan huffed, throwing on some pants before heading to Haruko's usual hiding place.

He headed down to the torture chambers and found her sitting on a spiked chair, reading a new book. Hidan could not make out the foreign title but shrugged it off, scooping up his daughter. She protested in silence by squirming. Hidan ignored her struggles though and held her close, nuzzling her hair.

"Who's head this time?" Hidan laughed, heading upstairs.

She rolled her eyes but immediately pointed to something silver.

"Gina? Only one head..." Hidan mused.

"Hidan! Take care of breakfast. I'm taking Chieko and Eiji on a bounty mission." Kakuzu shouted from the front door.

"Fucking coward!" Hidan called back as the door slammed shut. "Wanna help me, Haru-chan?"

She only made the action of laughing before freeing herself and running to the bedroom.

"Bitch." Hidan sighed.

Everyone (save a few) was in the kitchen and this surprised Hidan but he shrugged it off and went to the stove. Frying pans were already out and food lay in the pans, already cooking. He gave a shrug then sat at the table with his children.

"Daddy, can I go on a mission with Gina and Eiko tonight?" Hiroki asked.

"Why the fuck do you want to?" Hidan asked.

"Father says we hardly have any money left." Hiroki answered.

Hiroki was one for money like his father and was aggravated by Jashinism. Of course, all of them had to deal with the religion because their parents were both converted. Kakuzu had been forced into it after Isamu was born. This gave all their children a sturdy chance at being immortal.

"Well that's your fucking father's problem then." Hidan scoffed, "You know you're not allowed out without a fucking adult and Kakuzu's taken them out."

"But daddy!"

"No. Orochimaru is still out there, damnit."

"The snake bastard?" Momo and Moe chimed.

"Yes, the snake bastard." Hidan sighed as he heard the food finishing.

–

Kakuzu led the way to the nearest village with Chieko and Eiji on his heel. Kakuzu and Chieko's expressions were unreadable but Eiji's showed excitement. It had been awhile since their father had taken only them out for a mission. Usually they had to bring a younger sibling for field testing or whatever. First they had to find a new bingo book since they, meaning all of the family members, had killed off the bounties in the old one.

"Do you think these new fuckers will be more fun?" Eiji grinned, slicking back a stray strand of his brown and gray hair that had escaped the others.

"I hope so. Those last ones were so easy that Haruko could take them out. And that was before Hitomi was born." Chieko added, giving a small smile of her own.

"Quiet." Kakuzu ordered, motioning for them to stay while he headed for one of his contacts.

The other two sat on the bench outside the bar, waiting for him to reappear. It took awhile and the siblings used each other to keep themselves propped up as they began to doze off. Kakuzu smiled a bit at the display then woke them up, smile gone. They flinched when their stomachs rumbled and Kakuzu sighed, leading them to a cheap restaurant. Once Kakuzu placed their orders, he pulled out the new book and his kids leaned over the table to get a better look.

"Well, well. Big bro has been busy." Chieko giggled softly, pointing at her brother's picture.

"Damn! Bastard's stolen, killed, and yet they said they don't have no fucking proof!" Eiji laughed.

"Quiet." Kakuzu turned the page. "We'll go after this one."

"Aw, but she's... That's Sakura!" Eiji immediately recognized the face shape.

"Really? But she's got brown hair in this picture." Chieko murmured.

"Alright, we'll go after Sakura." Kakuzu , shutting the book.

–

The trio arrived at a house in the middle of a forest. However, just out front, their target lay in a puddle of blood. Standing over Sakura, holding her heart in his hand, was Isamu. He sensed their chakra and looked up from his prey, green and red eyes flashing. Kakuzu hung in the back with his son and daughter in front, glaring at their brother.

"What are you doing?" Chieko asked, magenta eyes narrowed.

"What the fuck does it look like, sis?" His face was contorted with sick pleasure, "I'm getting myself a third heart."

Threads began to entangle themselves around the woman's heart, dragging it into his waiting body. Kakuzu looked on, expressionless as his first born stole their bounty. The new heart settled and Isamu stepped back.

"You can have the body though I'm not sure how much it will be without the heart." He laughed.

"Bastard..." Eiji muttered.

"The third bounty is someone-"

"Aoi, my new girlfriend. I called dibs on her too, pops." Isamu smirked.

"... Alright kids, looks like we're taking your big brother's head." Kakuzu said, stepping forward.

The youngest two exchanged an anxious glance but obeyed, branching off to attack from the sides. Isamu sighed and took a step back, on the defensive. Eiji rushed in first, followed by Chieko. However Kakuzu remained at a distance, watching them fall to the floor, laughing.

"Hah! I'm on top!" Chieko giggled.

"Not for long, bitch!" Eiji shouted, pushing her off, and then pinning her only to have Isamu jump on top moments later.

Kakuzu watched them wrestle by the corpse. After a few minutes he decided to sit on the porch and look for their next bounty. Once he found one he called to Eiji and Chieko and they left Isamu to seduce his next heart.

–

Hidan sent the children to bed and Kakuzu was still gone. He sat next to Haruko's bed, hand on her forehead. She was running one of her fevers. He sighed and went to the kitchen to get something to bring down the fever. He grabbed an ice pack that had been stored for Haruko and her sudden bouts of illness. He carried her to his bed and lay her down and the ice pack on her forehead. He gave her a kiss and then drifted into an uneasy slumber.

Haruko was having a nightmare of her own. Or more precisely, a siren's call. At two in the morning she awoke, sitting up as though in a trance. She ignored her dad sleeping soundly at her side and climbed down from the bed. She padded out of his room, past her sleeping siblings' rooms, and out of her home. Haruko continued along an invisible path into the forest. Halfway through the path, a snake appeared, then another, then more filed in along the way as they brought her to a cave. There a snake-like man stood, eying the child in glee.

"The red-eyed immortal, has come." Orochimaru sneered.

* * *

Cliff-hanger... Why does Haruko have red eyes?

Will Kakuzu find another bounty?

Will his son find a new girlfriend?

Will I stop repeating the word 'will'?

The world may never know...

Anyways, as you can see, I've finished part one so all former chapters will be disappearing. A guide/list of children's names will be found in the first chapter.


	3. Part Two

There will be other pairings and children introduced : SasoDei, KisaIta, and**_ possible_** MadaZet

* * *

Kakuzu, Chieko, and Eiji returned home in the early morning after bagging one bounty each. This left them with a good enough amount to support their large family. The siblings departed for their rooms while Kakuzu scanned the cave for any torches that remained lit. Once he was assured there were none left lit, he went to his bedroom. He frowned at the wet spot left by a thawing icepack and moved it to the floor. Hidan had his face contorted with worry and fear but those soon left once Kakuzu joined him in the bed.

"Good morning, Hidan." Kakuzu yawned.

"Where's Haruko?" Hidan sat up abruptly, ignoring his greeting.

"She wasn't here when I got here." Kakuzu answered.

"Maybe she went back to bed." Hidan sighed, curling up to Kakuzu.

"Mm, maybe." He mused after they exchanged a kiss and then fell asleep. He was getting old...

– Meanwhile...

Orochimaru had Haruko locked in a cell much like a room. She looked around for something that could help her but it was no use, she still had a fever. Her eyes were hurting from the strain of searching for an escape. She flopped back on her bed and closed her eyes, placing a hand over them. She hoped her family would come for her soon. Unless they forgot about her...

–

Isamu sighed, following his newest girlfriend, the third most wanted in the bingo book. She said she had a surprise for him and he agreed to let her lead since he was trying to earn her trust. The trust not only made capture easier but it also made the hearts stronger and more eligible for his collection. They arrived at a nearby cave but it was closer to his family's cave than his own house. She led him inside, hanging on his arm when he felt it. A shiver of familiarity and fear ran down his spine. Someone was here... Someone bad and another good.

– Back to the family...

Hidan left his snoozing husband to care for the kids. He went to the boys' room first to find them all wide awake save Eiji whom they were bugging. Eiji snarled and twitched in his sleep, mumbling a few choice curses before Hidan finally ushered the children out to the living room. He would be taking them to visit the other Akatsuki that had faked their deaths. That's right, the Akatsuki had been defeated by the Nine-Tails once they 'defeated' the best members. Sasori and Deidara faked their death with their art skills and lived closer to the market than the large family of powerful immortals and had their own handful of kids since Sasori had stolen Orochimaru's special formula.

Kisame soon joined a blinded Itachi and they lived across the river from the artists. This gave them an opportunity to have a kid of their own after convincing Sasori to make them a sample. Tobi and Zetsu had not known of the others' plan of faking death while Konan lived alone since Nagato had died in the end and was simply waiting for her own demise so she may join her friends. Although she did help out with the kids when she was needed...

Hidan had not needed to fake his death and Kakuzu let one of their kids hold onto his extra heart. Him being immobilized was not in the plan though they were able to find a superb medic ninja. Tobi/Madara and Zetsu knew of their children still being alive and planned to use them. This meant the immortals had to run and were still in hiding with the others until they would hear of Madara's death. Hidan sighed aloud as he brought his daughters to the living room to join the boys.

"Alright fuckers, remember we are traveling with a partner whom you will stick with. Littlest pair up with the biggest, got it?" Hidan drilled, standing between the door and crowd of children.

They all paired off but one child was left without a partner. Hidan did not notice Gina without a hand to hold like the other children. He opened the door and off they went, Momo and Daisuke stayed in the middle, holding hands with each other and their twin counterparts. Gina was at the end behind Hiroki and Hitomi until something silver and familiar caught her eye. She knew to stay with the group, but another silver appeared, splashed with something red and before she knew it she was walking towards the Jashinist pendants. The green haired man appearing from a tree went unnoticed until it was too late.

They all soon arrived in a large clearing, stopping outside the chakra barrier. Kisame appeared and let them pass with a smile. He followed them in where a little girl sat, her hair let out of her bun and wearing feminine clothes for a change. Itachi was not too far away and was the first to greet Hidan.

"Now all we're waiting on is Sasori and his family..." Kisame looked around the clearing.

"I hate to have kept you waiting but Deidara was being slow as usual." Sasori drawled once Kisame let him pass.

"It's not just my fault I'm pregnant, hm! It's your turn next." Deidara snapped from behind the redhead, holding the hands of two little redheaded boys. A sixteen year old blonde girl was just behind him, her blue eyes scanning the crowd of immortals for Isamu. Upon seeing no sign of her childhood babysitter and friend she frowned, approaching Hidan and Itachi as they reminisced.

"When will Isamu-kun arrive?" she asked.

"That little bastard lives by himself now." Hidan shrugged, "I have no fucking idea."

"What about Kakuzu?" Itachi asked.

"Bastard just came home and now Eiji, Chieko, and him are fast asleep." Hidan scoffed.

"Kakuzu still neglecting to you as always then." Itachi smiled.

"Bastard." Hidan now directed this at Itachi.

"How's Haruko?" Itachi questioned once Deidara's daughter retreated.

"She was feeling a little ill again last night." Hidan frowned in sadness.

"Hn."

"I can bring her to you now if you want." Hidan offered as he stood.

Itachi watched him maneuver through his children with practiced ease. Which is why he was surprised when Hidan visibly paled. He hurried back to the other Akatsuki member whom had joined Itachi in watching him panic.

"I think I lost Gina and Haruko..." He managed.

"Didn't you leave Kakuzu at home with some of your kids though? Maybe they did not want to leave." Deidara pointed out.

"Wait til Kakuzu comes and see if they're with him." Sasori suggested. Odd how the impatient one is suddenly willing to wait for things since he had settled down.

– Four hours later...

Kakuzu hurried the two children Hidan had left behind to the meeting place. Kisame saw Kakuzu first and let them through the barrier. Hidan was sitting in the middle of a circle consisting of Deidara, Itachi, Sasori, Hiroki, Eiko, Daiki, and Daisuke. Kisame ran to greet Kakuzu but stopped short when he noticed only Chieko and Eiji were with him.

"Hidan is not going to like this..." He murmured, ignoring the questioning looks the newcomers gave him.

They followed him past a crying Momo and Moe whom were being comforted by Hitomi, the artists' children, and the daughter of him and Itachi. Kakuzu soon joined Hidan in the center once he saw Kisame. The older kids joined the circle, asking what was wrong.

"G-Gina's not with you?" Hidan asked his partner.

"She isn't with you?" Kakuzu felt panic rise but kept his calm facade.

Hidan could only shake his head.

"Haruko as well." Itachi added.

"We'll have to retrace our steps..." Chieko murmured.

"That would be wise." Sasori agreed, averting his eyes from the embracing immortals.

"Eiji, Hiroki, Eiko, and I will go look." Chieko stood with the ones she had listed.

"I'll come with." Kakuzu said but he cast a nervous look at Hidan.

"No, you stay and I will accompany them." Itachi then added, "Until we find them you should stay with Hidan, all of you."

They all gave a weak nod and watched the search party depart. Once they had left though, Hidan gave a jolt and groaned. Soon after, Deidara hit himself.

"Stupid!" They cried.

"What is?" Kakuzu and Sasori asked.

"We just sent a fucking _blind_ bastard out with my four immortal brats to _look_ for my other missing kids." Hidan cursed.

"Shit."

– Meanwhile...

Itachi followed the sound of the four kids as they walked back home, making sure he could hear the proper number of footsteps. He stopped when they stopped then jolted when one pair ran off, into the brush.

"Who ran off?"

"Hiroki says he saw something." Chieko explained, soon following her brother. Eiko and Eiji stayed behind on the path while Itachi followed the other two into the woods, using his chakra to sense his surroundings.

Hiroki stopped abruptly, his mouth open in shocked horror. Chieko looked around him to find three Jashinist pendents laying next to a bloodied corpse. Itachi wrinkled his nose at the stench and asked what they saw. His heart stopped when they told him of the two bloodied pendents, on close to the body and the other on top of it. He cursed under his breath and told them to stick to him. They hesitated but hung back to join the Uchiha as he knelt down, focusing.

The children watched their guard close his unseeing eyes then went on alert when they shot open. Itachi shot to his feet and pulled them out of the woods, back onto the path.

"We've got to head back **now**." He hissed, hurrying them back to the clearing.

Kisame did not need to look to know his partner had returned. He let them in and watched the four children collapse on the ground, exhausted from their run. Itachi headed straight for them and held up one of the bloody pendents.

"Zetsu."

– Time skip back to this morning...

"Fucking snake! Let me go, damnit!" Isamu snarled as he was dragged to the back of the cave by his prey-turned-predator.

"You would have made a fine body for me. It is a shame your parents hadn't returned my gift." Orochimaru watched from the sidelines as a door opened, startling the room's occupant to leap off her bed.

"H-Haruko-chan?" Isamu gaped when he saw his sister and struggled further, "You'd better let her go before I rip your fucking tongue out and mph!" His rant had been stopped when the woman placed a kiss to his lips, much to his horror.

"You seem to know of her ability quite well, Isamu." Orochimaru smirked when the young man went limp from the deadly kiss. "Dispose of him for me, will you dear?" He mocked the woman, stepping past her to get into Haruko's cell.

"Yes Master Orochimaru." She bowed her head then dragged the 'corpse' to another room. "Orochimaru offers you a gift in exchange for your assistance, Madara." She dropped Isamu to the floor at the green-haired man's feet. "He is immortal and yours."

"What does he want?" A voice asked from the shadows then added, "Down, Zetsu." when the green-haired man tried to devour the gift.

"What do you want?" The girl asked instead.

"Revenge."

"He has offered you six immortals and this is one of them." She paused, "All you have to do is assist in capturing the other ten."

"Ten?" Madara echoed from the shadows.

"The red-eyed is believed to possess Uchiha blood."

"Bull-fucking-shit!" Their captive was awake.

"Hidan and Kakuzu aren't Uchihas." Zetsu mused then his demonic side replied, "**Itachi is**."

"Daddy would never cheat on my father!" Isamu snarled.

"... We are not certain about it. It is merely an assumption. Although from our research, Kakuzu was against having any more children during the time Haruko was born. Correct, Madara?"

"But Itachi was with Kisame at the time." He scoffed.

"... I will speak with Orochimaru although he has already decided she will be his next body." the woman left the trio alone to ponder.

"It's not true..." Isamu muttered, "The red eyes are hereditary..."

"Yes, but he seems to have forgotten Uchiha are born with black eyes." Madara commented. "No matter... Zetsu, use these." He held up Haruko and Isamu's pendents. "We have some immortals to round up."

"You bastard!" Isamu shouted before Madara sucked him into a new dimension.

"Go, Zetsu. No eating them, pick someone up on the way."

– Back to the others...

"What?" Hidan screeched, drawing the children's attention.

"Hidan, quiet." Kakuzu felt furious but had to keep his facade up for their children. Hidan turned to him to protest then followed his gaze to the children and his eyes softened.

"What makes you so sure, Uchiha?" Hidan hissed.

"You're really going to make me say it?" Itachi spoke with a sadistic tone, "There was a flayed corpse around your little girl's size lying there with this pendent on top."

Hidan froze, he stopped breathing for a moment. He was unable to voice his reaction. However there was no need...

"Fucking bastard!" Kakuzu snarled, sending the children huddling together. Even his older kids could not recall a time their father had lost his calm nor have they heard him this angry.

"Kakuzu..." Hidan placed a hand on Kakuzu's shoulder, still struggling to breathe.

"There was only one body though, right Itachi?" Kisame spoke up.

"Hn." The weasel nodded then added, "But still three pendents."

"Three?" Hidan and Kakuzu gasped then started when Deidara's daughter approached.

"Hidan, Isamu still hasn't come and he promised at the last meeting he would come." she complained.

"No." Kakuzu watched his husband fall to his knees.

"Hidan?" The girl reached out but Deidara pulled her back gently.

"Go and tell the children to go play. The adults can handle this." Sasori instructed.

She ran over to the others and they all started to play. None of them saw their father sink to his own knees, holding Hidan close in a rare show of affection. The other men exchanged a look and turned their back, leaving Kakuzu to cry and mourn with Hidan.

* * *

Alrighty. I'm sure you're worried that Haruko isn't Kakuzu's, but she is 50% his, 50% Hidan's. 100% KAKUHIDA.

Also, I hope this chapter isn't too bad as far as content and length go.

I'd love to read your reviews.


	4. Part Three

"It'll be okay, you two. We don't really have proof of your kids, who are immortal, are actually dead." Itachi and Kisame's daughter, Metsuki soothed.

Everyone decided to stay at Kisame and Itachi's cave until they find the missing children. All of the immortal children were still unaware that their siblings might not come home and sleeping in the living room with the artistic family. Hidan was sitting on the guest bed with Kakuzu standing centimeters away. Kisame was on guard at the entrance and Itachi was in the kitchen making rice balls for the two brooding parents.

"There was a fucking remains of a devoured child next to three _Jashinist_ pendents. Not many oth mother fucking Jashinists around here." Hidan snarled.

"Gina likes silver and shiny things..." Kakuzu mumbled suddenly.

"Yeah, so what?" Hidan snapped.

"She might have been lured in by the sight of two Jashinist pendents, especially if one was stained red."

"We've fucking taught our kids not to just fucking wander off though, damnit." Hidan sighed.

"Hidan... since when do kids ever listen?" Itachi had arrived with a tray of rice balls.

"Um... daddy?" Hidan's head snapped up and to the door to find Hitomi standing there.

"Yes, what's wrong, Hitomi-chan?" Hidan's smile was clearly forced.

"I'm worried 'bout Haru-chan. She didn't come to bed last night and wasn't here when we woke up."

"Are you sure, Hitomi?" Kakuzu was now at her side, giving her a steady gaze.

"Un." She nodded and Kakuzu sighed, placing a kiss to her forehead before ushering her to bed.

"So she vanished before Gina..." Metsuki mused.

"I-I hadn't even thought she would have gone missing... I assumed she had gone to the fucking basement like she usually does when ill." Hidan fretted.

"Either way, it would have left Gina without a partner on the journey here." Kakuzu added, joining Hidan on the bed now.

"What about Isamu-kun then?" Everyone looked to the door to find Deidara's daughter, Hisako, there.

"What about him?" Metsuki questioned.

"When was his pendent snatched? When did you last see him wear it?"

"I saw it on him when he came over for lunch but that was two fucking days ago or so."

"I saw it on him last night when he stole my bounty..." Kakuzu added.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hidan gaped at him now.

"When I took our teens out bounty-hunting last night, we went after his girlfriend. However he had beat us to her and took her heart. He said his next target would be a new girlfriend, Aoi. She is supposed to be his last heart." Kakuzu explained.

"Well then check this 'blue' bitch out." Hisako huffed.

Kakuzu gave a nod then dug into his side pouch for the bingo book. He flipped to her page and read to himself. Once he finished, his face looked grim.

"She has an ability to kill with a kiss..." He mumbled.

"Well... Isamu's dead." Hisako sighed, shaking her head, "He just can't keep his hands off the ladies."

"But he's immortal..." Hidan murmured, now relying on Kakuzu for physical and mental support.

"It would still paralyze one of us..." Kakuzu nuzzled Hidan uncertainly. They were both worried for their children but unsure of what to do.

"So we need to find Aoi." Metsuki suggested.

"How?" Hisako scoffed.

"We have a lot of people to send for search parties." Metsuki glanced at her dad and then the immortal duo.

"Oh, I see now!" Hisako grinned, "I can keep contact and track of them with my clay bugs when we send them out... possibly as bait."

"Bait?" Hidan and Kakuzu glared.

"Don't worry, they shouldn't get messed up too badly." Metsuki assured.

"And if I detonate a bug you can always sew 'em back together." Hisako added with a giggle.

Kakuzu and Hidan decided to sleep on it rather than kill the two girls right away. In the morning, the immortal children were gathered however...

"Where's Hitomi and Eiko?" Hidan exclaimed once he did a head count.

"Hitomi-chan said she forgot her dolly and Eiko-chan went with her so she wouldn't go missing like big sister Gina." Momo squeaked.

"We fucking told you to stay put, damnit!" Hidan growled.

"B-But Hitomi-chan can't sweep without her dolly!" Moe protested shyly.

"She should have told one of us. We could have gone with her instead. Eiko's too young to be out there without an adult." Kakuzu spoke in a monotone, his calm facade returned.

"When did they leave?" Hisako asked. She had been left at the cave with her brothers while her fathers searched for signs of the missing children.

"Last night..." Moe and Momo murmured very softly.

"Fuck!" Hidan shouted, throwing a kunai at the wall behind his kids. They all jumped in surprise.

"Hidan." Kakuzu warned him with a look.

"Sorry. I don't want to have to decide who to send out first..." Hidan mumbled; Hidan leaning on Kakuzu had become a common sight since last night.

"We could draw straws." Hisako offered.

"Bitch..."

"Who wants to look for their siblings first?" Hisako announced.

Six of the children raised their hands. Eiji was the only one not raising his hand. Hidan noticed this and rose a brow. One by one everyone in the room turned to him.

"We haven't been told anything. Tell them about the fucking cannibal." His voice was strong.

"What's a cannibal?" Moe asked.

"A human that eats other humans." Eiji answered.

"What!" Daisuke and Momo cried.

"He said it's a people-eater!" the other twins shouted, inches from their counterparts' ears.

"We think that Zetsu is hanging around our home." Kakuzu announced, earning gasps from the children.

"You mean Zetsu's real!" Hiroki gaped. "I thought you made him up to give us nightmares and keep us out of the woods!"

"Made up, no. Purposefully used to scare you to stay inside, yes." Kakuzu replied.

"Then that means Gina and the others are gone?" Daisuke sniffed.

"We're not sure but we know he's out there." Hisako crossed her arms, "Does anyone want to help lure him out so we can find your siblings?"

No one raised their hands for a long time. Hidan gave a sigh of relief that was gone a moment after Daiki and Moe raised their hands high. Daisuke and Momo gasped and tried to pull them back as they stepped up.

"I don't care 'cause Jashin-sama will keep me safe." Moe explained.

"And I'm not afraid of some Venus Fly-Trap. I have plenty in my garden." Daiki added.

"Looks like we've got our bait."

– Meanwhile...

"Why don't you speak, little one?" Orochimaru asked Haruko in a quiet voice.

Orochimaru had been curious about the fact none of his 'minions' had heard a sound from his next vessel. Now he had her out of her cell in the middle of the main cavern. Madara sat by the wall, still hidden by shadows, having an interrogation of his own with Gina and Isamu whom were within one of his dimensions still. Zetsu had been sent out with Aoi to patrol the immortal family's hide out in case any one returned. After many failed attempts of trying to get Haruko to talk, Orochimaru gave up and sent her back to the cell. Madara had been told by Gina (hours ago) that she was a mute however the old Uchiha saw no reason to tell Orochimaru this. Both men jumped to their feet when their scouts appeared holding an immortal girl each.

"Gimme back my dolly, stupid asshoe!" Aoi's captive, Hitomi, snapped.

"I am not a hoe, brat." She hissed, waving a homemade rag doll in the air.

"Yeah you are, bitch!" Zetsu's captive, Eiko, shouted around the white flesh her teeth were digging into.

"You found another cannibal, Zetsu?" Madara smirked at the brunette as she began to draw blood.

"**No, **she's just trying to start a ritual..." He answered, offering the child to his only companion.

"Time to join your brother and sister, girl."

"Eiko-chan!" Hitomi screamed as her older sister was sucked up.

"I like this child's eyes. So unique." Orochimaru purred, examining her teary face. "Go ahead and throw her in with my other catch."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."

–

Daiki and Moe followed the path to their home, fists clenched around a small clay bug. Their parents, Chieko, Hiroki, and Hisako were not too far behind. Eiji refused to go so was left back to watch Daisuke and Momo.

"How long can your fly traps be without food anyways?" Moe asked loudly.

"Not really long but they can usually fend for themselves. I just want to make sure they're okay." Daiki replied.

They had to make it look like they were not expecting to be ambushed when they arrived. Once they were only a few feet away from the cave's entrance, movement was spotted. Within seconds, Moe had been pulled to a tree, already being sucked in. Daiki was very shocked by the sudden attack but was immediately prepared to fight when a kunai flew at him. He deflected it with one of the collapsable spikes their dad had given all of the children.

"Ooo. Your eyes remind me of your big brother. A shame he was soo easy." A feminine voice echoed.

"Show yourself you damnable slut!" Daiki hollered, immediately shifting to a crouching stance, green eyes scanning the foliage for anything unorthodox.

"My, my... what a mouth you have. Quite unlike your big sister." The voice taunted. Aoi knew to stay put. It was a standstill.

"You cowardly bitch..." Daiki hissed this under his breath now.

He continued to watch his surroundings for movement but dug into his bag. Hopefully half of the group had started after his sister. He placed the bug in his shoulder bag that was always at his side and felt around for his prized possession. He withdrew a scroll and unraveled it. This summoning scroll he had found in the home of a bounty that he had taken down with his father and brothers. He used his spike to draw blood and then wove the proper signs.

"What are you doing, boy?" Aoi questioned.

There was a poof of smoke and when it cleared it revealed a scythe. It was similar to his dad's only with two blades and was a midnight blue color, not red. It had no cable or rope but he turned it over to unscrew a secret compartment. Inside was a little back ball. He tossed it in the air then sliced it in half when it started to fall back down. It was a smokescreen.

"You think you can escape?" Aoi screeched, rushing where he was standing.

"Who said anything about escape?" Daiki had no trouble dodging the woman's blind blow.

"Where?" He watched her look around for him with mild amusement.

"This smokescreen allows visibility for only the scythe's wielder. My chakra and its chakra are fused to allow this. It's very useful for me since I'm vision-impaired without this smoke." Daiki explained, letting the scythe rest on his shoulder as he approached the unsuspecting prey.

"Damnit."

"I am guessing you're trying to substitute or try some other jutsu." Daiki saw her hands weaving. It excited his chakra-infused smoke. "Won't work."

SLASH.

Scream.

SLASH.

Scream.

"Louder!" SLASH.

Thump.

This is where Kakuzu and Chieko drew the line. They landed in the smoke as it began to dissipate. Daiki stood over the woman's body. An arm and a leg were tossed aside and her decapitated head was resting under the twelve year old's foot. A blissful smile spread when he saw his father eying his work.

"Did I do good?" He asked, stepping over the corpse.

"Very. But now we have to find the others." However Kakuzu crouched down to put the body together. "First we turn this one in though."

"Hah. Knew it." Daiki beamed, wiping the blood from his blades with a large leaf he pulled from his bag. It had taken him months to cross-pollinate the right plants to make this specially for his blade.

"I love your calling card, brother." Chieko praised. "A left leg, right arm, and lastly, the head. Daisuke does right leg, left arm, and head."

"Enough idolizing your brother. Go find your dad and inform him we'll be later than expected. Don't tell him why though." Kakuzu instructed.

"You're such a bastard, father." Chieko cackled, "Save me some and you got a deal."

–

Hisako led Hidan and Hiroki to the cave her special clay was calling from. They waited outside for a moment, watching Zetsu reappear with Moe a few meters away. Hidan turned abruptly when he sensed Chieko approaching. He opened his mouth to ask where the others were but she beat him to it.

"Father is helping Daiki with that slutty bitch." She whispered, knowing Hidan was not buying it.

"He's going to be sleeping on the couch for a week." Hiroki giggled quietly.

"Later, Hiro-kun. We've got to get in that cave." Hidan hissed, leaping out of the tree.

"I've lost her." Hisako said once they landed.

"What?"

"I can no longer sense her chakra!"

They all exchanged a nervous glance then rushed inside. Zetsu was sitting near a man wearing a bird-like anbu mask and not too far from them, Orochimaru was entering a room. Inside that room, Chieko saw a familiar flash of pale brown hair; Haruko. Zetsu and the man stood as soon as they spotted the intruders.

"Zetsu." Hidan snarled, stepping in front of the children in a protective stance.

"Hidan." Madara mocked.

"Tobi...?" Hidan blinked then shook his head to glare. "Tch, should've fucking known you'd be involved, Madara."

"Yes. You should have."

"Give me back my fucking children."

"Why should I? You have eight or so more." Madara drawled.

"Where are they you bastard?"

"They're in my room now." He paused, "Although you should be more concerned with the children Orochimaru has in that other room yonder." He pointed at the cell. "Haruko is in the most danger."

"Chieko, Hisako; take care of him but don't be reckless. Hiroki; come with me." Hidan ordered, darting for the snake's hiding place.

Inside of Madara and Zetsu's room, Isamu, Gina, Moe, and Eiko heard their dad shouting at their captive. However they soon heard Hidan shouting from the room next to theirs. Isamu took action first and let loose one of his heart creatures. Gina, Moe, and Eiko watched his arm turn black as it hardened, preparing to bust through the wall. His heart started to sink to the ground, going for help, no doubt.

"Eiko, Gina, Moe; get ready to fight." was all he said before slamming his fist to the wall, applying extra chakra for added force.

In the other room, Hidan had his scythe out; its cable had been fixed easily enough after faking his death (but finding the scythe itself was the hard part). Pinned to the wall with it was Orochimaru. Haruko was unconscious, laying on the bed while Hitomi cowered besides her, clinging to her doll. Hiroki stood nearby, watching their dad struggle with the snake. It would be pointless to do a ritual when he could kill him the way he was. It was Madara and Zetsu they feared.

"You just won't fucking die, will you?" Hidan snarled, "Taking over Kabuto's body... fucking sick."

"Heh. You don't know when to die either."

Hidan's response was a hard flick of the wrist. This resulted in sending Orochimaru's head on a trip. He turned around and showed complete relief to find his children were okay. He scooped up Haruko and Hitomi, fastening the scythe on his back. He jerked his head to the door and Isamu took the lead out to the main cavern. Zetsu and Chieko were nowhere to be seen while Hisako was struggling to avoid Madara's techniques. She spotted the others leaving and smirked, pulling out the only puppet she carried with her. She backed her way out of the cave after the immortals, fending off Madara's attacks as he followed.

They reached the outside and Hisako held up two fingers. Madara soon realized who her parents were and dove forward. Explosions sealed the cave, blocking him out. Hisako cursed briefly but saw Isamu circling to get behind, his hearts helping to lure Madara to the single puppet. Once he was captured by a puppet much like the Salamander (or Ant), a new explosion went off, blowing the puppets to pieces.

"The bastard got away!" Isamu cried.

"It's alright, brother," Chieko arrived in the clearing, "I have a feeling the bastards won't try this again."

"What do you mean?" Hidan asked, bringing all of them together at the crater Hisako's art had created.

"Zetsu said they were bored and backed off before I got the chance to draw a weapon." She explained.

"... I still don't like them being around." Eiko murmured to Gina.

"We can all take precautions then." Hidan put down Hitomi so he could better carry Haruko. "We'll return home and wait for your bastard of a father to escort the others home."

"Yes daddy." they all chimed.

–

"It's all here. We can go now." Kakuzu told his son, pocketing the money they had earned from Aoi's body.

"Do you think Hisako got killed?" Daiki mused, happy his father didn't object to holding his hand on the way back.

"Hm... I hope not or Sasori would turn your dad into a puppet and have Deidara blow me up."

"Isn't that one of Isamu's heart thingies?" Daiki pointed to the mass of threads approaching them.

"Yep." Kakuzu brought Daiki to the mask and took the note it held out to him. He read it after it had slunk off, "Looks like we're bringing the family home... and I'm sleeping on the couch until you're twenty..."

"Sucks to be you."

–

So, all the immortals were reunited and lived happily ever after for all eternity... okay... maybe it was not a fairy tale 'happily ever after' but Isamu married Hisako and Madara and Zetsu never bothered them again... And Kakuzu got to sleep with Hidan again on Daiki's thirteenth birthday...

THE END …

* * *

FINALLY!

...Now back to my actual KakuHida MPreg...


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